Christmas Eve ponderings

Wow, Christmas Eve already, and it still doesn't quite feel like Christmas to me. Not sure why... I've been to several Holiday events, including the Smuin Christmas Ballet and the annual Boomeria Christmas Carol Sing. I attended the Christmas play at Vintage Faith yesterday morning and I'm now at Mom's house, where the halls have been decked and the Christmas tree, decorated and lit, stands in the corner of the living room. And's there no clearer sign that it's Christmas Eve here at the homestead than spending the day making homemade ravioli, which we did today. Yet, somehow, it still doesn't feel like Christmas. I think, perhaps, that it is because it has been such a difficult year. Such a painful year, both physically and emotionally. S and I were talking today about the fact that this is the third (or so) consecutive year that we have looked forward to moving on to the new year so that we could put a not so good year behind us and move on to what we hope will be a better one. And yet, as I said, this is at least the third year that we've felt this way. When does it get better?...

***I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a "downer," especially on the eve of the celebration of our Lord's birth. I simply wanted to share, openly and honestly, some thoughts and reflections. (That's one of the reasons to keep a blog, isn't it?...) Anyway, if you read on, it'll get better.***

We had an interesting conversation at dinner the other night. Our friend, Chris, asked, "Would you be willing to give up a year of your life if someone were willing to pay you for it?" And David (who has been dealing with the chronic pain of a back injury this year) said, "It depends--could it be this past year?" At which point, I chimed in and said, "Yeah, I'd definitely be willing to give up this past year."

Why?... Well, it's really no fun at all living with chronic pain. Having lived with chronic headaches and migraines since I was five years old was really more than enough, and then there was that nasty car accident in February, and I've begun to wonder if I'll be in pain for the rest of my life. Like I said, NOT FUN. But then I started to think about all of the things that I would have missed this year... The birth of J & D's baby was one of the first things that came to mind; also so many of E-Dawg's "firsts," including his first steps; not to mention many, many good times with my "adopted" family, the N*s; and then, of course, there was my trip to Grenada (although I could definitely do without all of the vomiting on the trip there).

Writing this, I am reminded that I need to focus on the positive. There usually is some kind of silver lining, if you're willing to look for it. For example, if I hadn't been in the accident, I wouldn't have gotten into therapy/counseling (whatever you want to call it) for P.T.S.D. And no, that hasn't been fun, but it's been useful, and I've been able to dig a little deeper and gain a new, healthier perspective on some things in my life, and that's a good thing.

When it comes down to it--when I take the time to really reflect on things--I'm grateful. Grateful that I'm still here (every now and then I remind myself that I could've died in that accident), and grateful that I have the friends and family that I have. So, to those of you reading this who fall into the category of friends & family, I thank you. Thank you for being part of my life. Thank you for loving me and letting me be part of your life. And I wish you all a very merry Christmas and all the best for the new year.

Sincerely,

me