Back to Me

After a too long, emotionally unhealthy, self-worth-draining relationship and an all-consuming emotionally exhausting move from my home of 15 years, I feel that I may finally be getting back to me. I still feel sad when I think of him and I can’t seem to help wanting him to hurt, to long for me, to regret losing me, to--I don’t know--I want to know that he cares, that I matter to him. But then that’s been part of the problem all along, hasn’t it? I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could just let go and move on, but I never have been good at letting go.

And then there’s the landlady… I’d like to be able to rise above the anger and the hurt, the hatred I feel towards her for all of this--again, to let go and move on--but I’m not there yet. Give me time…

And in the midst of all of this, she turns up again—the one who hurt me deeply, who betrayed our friendship and never apologized, never even acknowledged that she hurt me. And I am painfully aware, once again, that I have not forgiven her. I have tried to let go of that hurt as well, but have been unsuccessful.

Why must I have to deal with all of this all at once? It's too much. I am exhausted--physically and emotionally. I want to have a good hard cry and then sleep for a month, and yet, I've already lost a whole month of my summer to this blasted move. I swear it is only by the grace of God that I'm still here.