Saturday Morning

Journal entry - Sat. 24 July 2004

Saturday Morning

He rolls over
turns his back on me
leaving me alone again
in this now-familiar place

And I ask myself
"What am I doing here?"
Not just here, in this place,
but here, with him,
in this relationship
that isn’t a relationship,
but is

There are others
(even one who claims he loves me)
but they are miles away
and our visits are few and far between

So here I lie
with him
in his bed
alone, but not alone

He rolls over again
puts his arm around me
and draws me close

I am quietly grateful as the dark emptiness recedes
if only temporarily
And I wonder,
"How much longer?"
Because I know that it won’t last

And I ask, wordlessly, "Love me"
But I know that it’s not meant to be
That, as he often reminds me,
I am not his girlfriend

He kisses my hair gently, sweetly,
And I plead, silently, "Want me"
Knowing that it is foolishness
To hope for more

And I ask myself again,
"What am I doing here?"

And the many questions go unanswered
Because they remain unasked