The Wall of Silence

I have this thing that I do when I'm really angry or have been hurt by someone. I put up a "Wall of Silence." I refuse to answer or return phone calls from the offending party, I refuse to reply to email messages from them. I have successfully maintained a Wall of Silence to protect myself from my ex--the last man I opened my heart to--for over a year now. It has been challenging at times, but I have persevered because I knew it was the best thing for me, for my heart. My beloved younger brother went through a painful breakup recently (no, they're not always painful) and, as he was struggling with the decison of whether or not to end the relationship, I wrote to him: "Remember when you said to me, 'He's not the one for you... He doesn't treat you with the respect that you deserve.'? Well, back atcha little brother." And it was a good reminder to myself of how poorly I was treated by this man, and of the fact that I deserve so much better. The reason this has all come up again, now, is that he (the "X") called again the other night, and this time he actually left a message (usually I just have the Caller I.D. evidence that he called). In his message he pleaded with me to _please_ talk to him. He seems to not understand why I won't talk to him. This serves to re-inforce my belief that those who hurt us are often completely oblivious to the fact that they have hurt us, or at least of how deeply they have hurt us.

So what do I do with all of this? I don't know. I have to admit that I have toyed with the idea of writing to him. "What is it that you're so anxious to talk to me about?!"

I have also wondered if there's something heavy going on in his life and maybe he just needs a friend right now. But can I be that friend? It would be easier if I were in a good solid relationship with someone else. I wouldn't have to worry about the possibility of falling back into our old pattern. A big part of why I fell into that relationship in the first place was because my dear friend/surrogate mom had just been diagnosed with cancer and his mom has leukemia, so there was this bonding of understanding and mutual compassion for each other's situation. So after listening to his message the other night, I couldn't help but wonder how his mom is doing. I couldn't help but wonder if that was why he was calling. And that's why I've seriously contemplated writing to him, because if he needs a friend, I'd like to be able to be that friend. I'm just not sure whether or not I _can_ be that friend.